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Nintendo Rant 2K3 May 7, 2003 NOTE: This article is a complete fuckin' bullshit rant session. So half makes sence and some dosen't. I love Nintendo but fuck i wanna bust a cap in their ass, while they be smokin' up some grass. I rub their face into the broken glass, and polish their ass with an S.O.S. Pad. Word! Love ya Nintendo! Props! It began with my NES finaly buzzin' out on me and it grew into a Nintendo piss session. I love Nintendo. I grew up on the NES with Mario, Zelda, Pro Wrestling, Contra and so forth. I'll always remember playing Super Mario Bros. 2 the first time and freakin' out. Firing up The Legend of Zelda and hearing that title theme still sends shivers down my spine. Well it looks like I won't be able to play any of those games anymore on my 27-inch T.V. Thanks Nintendo for that NES piece of shit hardware. I have an Atari 2600, an Intellivision and a Coleco Vision and those machines have never fried out on me or gave me any trouble. Shit, those systems came out ages before the NES and they still work perfectly fine. I can't complain about Nintendo hardware today. They learned their lesson with that NES, and we'll always be the ones to pay for that mistake. Thank the gaming homies for their classic system emulators. I still can play the NES on my television, via Dreamcast emulation of course. Oh yeah, can't forget about Nintendo's E-Card reader. That thing kicks series ass. Playin' Excitebike or Donkey Kong on my GBA rocks. However, there will always be that little side of me that likes to flip the bird at the old'N. Mark May 19th, 2003 on your calender, cause holy shit! Nintendo finaly releases a demo disc to the public! I'll always remember reading interviews with Miyamoto around the Cube launch and the journalist geeks would ask if Nintendo would start to release demo discs. Miyamoto replied to fuck that shit cause their stupid and will mis-represent the final product... Hmmm ya... I've never played a friggin' demo in my life that was so goddamn radicaly different from the final product. You know, that was a nice way for Nintendo to say, "fuck! No demo for you!". So this demo disc being released in stores is a bloody shock. Has Nintendo finaly lightened up? I think they have a bit. I mean their attitude is still mid-1980's. They still figure their the only big game in town. Ya, right. Then why do Sony and Microsoft have the huge sales numbers? I mean Nintendo has always been associated as your first system. Not anymore, the PS1 or PS2 is your first system. And what the fuck is with NINTENDO's SUPERSTAR or SUPERTITLE or whatever the hell they call it game program. You know, their greatest hits line? In The Great White North here, those budget bashing titles are $49.99. Yep, just fight the competiton with their $29.99 series. Yep, smooth moves jackasses. Come on Nintendo, drop those goddamn prices! You know what? I still heavily recommend the Cube. Man it's a tight little console. It's a lean mean machine and schools the PS2 anyday with it's sexy, tiny design and man power (and it won't fuckin beak down on ya like Sony). Kiss my ass Sony. And the fuckin' X-Box can crush ya! It's so fuckin' big, it took a goddman truck trailer to hall it home. What also bothers me is Nintendo's sequel fever. Mario, Zelda, Star Fox, Mario Kart, F-Zero (okay, F-Zero looks bitchin' and it's being developed by SEGA! Holy Shit that rocks!), ect... They're all bloody sequels. I think Pikmin was the first original title Miyamoto has done in 10 years. I want Nintendo to bust open a brand new platform series. Nope, ain't goin' to do that. That's were I'm going to miss Rare. Goodbye to the folks who did Perfect Dark, Goldeneye, Jet Force Gemini and Conker's - the only development party in Nintendo that was doing original material. The cure to most of these problems will be the increase of 3rd-party software. Nintendo has recently dropped the development costs for GameCube software developers. That's a start in the right direction. Having commited teams such as Capcom with their Resident Evil series exclusive is a big plus. Sega and Sonic Team aiming for exclusive Sonic titles and new franchises such as Super Monkey Ball and the upcoming Billy Hatcher and The Giant Egg is the way too go. Hell I was shocked that the Cube got Def Jam Vendetta and the X-Box didn't. Cool. Getting 3rd-parties to use that GBA to GC connection is also a key. Look, I love my Cube. I play it the most out of my next-gen systems. I'm looking forward to E3 and get to finaly see what Nintendo's big guns are this year. Let's hope it'll be worth the wait. Oh, well now it's time to shut the fuck up and play some Metroid Prime, Animal Crossing and Sonic Adventure 2: Battle on the Cube. Word up Ninetndo! - Kelley |
